Costs aside, there is one other thing that I found rather mind-boggling when I first heard of it: misdiagnoses getting stuck in your medical record forever. I mean, wow. The whole idea that there exists such a thing as a list of everything you’ve ever been diagnosed with creeps me out. Over here, I can just go to a new doctor and practically start from scratch. Sure, my insurance company must be keeping track of me to an extent, but that information is not available to anyone else and certainly doesn’t seem to include diagnoses – er, what I meant was, my diagnoses don’t seem to affect their behaviour towards me. My head, it is disorganised.

Just a few weeks ago I had to send a few documents to a hospital that I’m planning to stay at. My doctor gave me copies of reports from the few specialists that I had seen last year, and to my surprise I discovered that among them was one by a neurologist who hadn’t believed a word I said and got angry with me for “refusing” to take antidepressants when in reality I had merely told him that I’d already tried three different ones and they’d made me manic instead of helping. Needless to say, that report was full of shit. And guess what? I decided not to include it. End of story.

I never really liked my country before I heard of all this. Now I’m pretty glad to have been born here, although I’m worried about where we’re heading. First they introduced co-pay, now more and more hospitals are being privatised. I don’t want anyone whose main interest is making profit to be in charge of my health. No, thanks. I hope we never reach a point where every new doctor I meet knows my entire history already … because I can’t afford to emigrate.

In order to gain weight, you have to consume more energy than you expend. If you gain weight suddenly although neither your eating habits nor the amount of exercise that you get have changed (for example due to a medical condition or a drug), it therefore follows that your body has either started to expend less energy than before or it has learned to extract more energy from food than it used to. Technically you should be able to stay the same weight by adjusting your habits to these new conditions, but OMGWTF people are stupid and listen to their hunger signals instead (which we assume to be misleading because they’ve been warped by the disease/medication).

Now, in theory that makes sense. Really, it does. The problem is that a lot of people have actually been in that situation, and their experiences cannot be ignored as they provide us with additional information. Remember that theories, as a general rule, need to be put into practice and tested in real life to see if they hold true.

From what I’ve gathered (and yes, I’m basing this on anecdotal evidence, as I am not aware of any research dealing with that particular scenario), what tends to happen is that you either restrict your food intake further and further to no avail, or that you do manage to control your weight – while suffering consequences that are not only unbearable, but cannot be healthy, either.

I’m not talking about missing your former lifestyle or being irritable due to a sudden lack of comfort food. I’m talking about actual adverse side-effects. Burning stomach pain. Fatigue. Dizzy spells. Inability to concentrate. Being cold all the time. Dry skin. Does that sound familiar yet? Yes, it is possible to experience symptoms of starvation without losing weight. How? Why? I wouldn’t know. Since nobody appears to be interested in funding research of that kind, we will just have to accept that we don’t know the answer yet.

Perhaps those drugs and diseases simply cause you to need more energy. Would that be so horrible? Considering that I have taken meds which gave me symptoms of mania, full-body rashes and indigestion, I can’t help but think that it’s one of the most harmless side-effects I have ever heard of.

I wish I had discovered all the issues that I now care about back when I could still THINK. Reading stuff I wrote three years ago almost makes me want to weep because man, where did those writing skills go?

Quality aside, I never thought I’d have so little to write about, either. The reason why I only mention my health on LiveJournal is that nothing ever changes (except when I get worse). I have tried out things that were supposed to make me feel better, but they didn’t. Hardly a good topic for a blog – “So here’s my failed attempt of the month.”

I only wanted a wider audience for what I was already saying, but now I have my audience and nothing left to say.

Which is not to say I’m leaving. But if this keeps up, I can’t promise I won’t. How on earth am I supposed to keep myself from spouting nonsense while I’m not in my right mind (in a brain fog way, not psychotic – I hope) and also completely oblivious of the fact that I’m not in my right mind? That’s like trying to notice the exact moment you forget something. The mere idea makes my brain hurt. So would the most responsible course of action be to simply stop talking?? I am so confused.

Perhaps we should spend more time promoting the fact that weight loss is dangerous? Which is, after all, the truth. I know from experience that no matter how often you tell people that anything is none of their business, chances are they won’t listen. But if you tell them that you’re not going to follow their advice (or “advice”) because it is very dangerous? Obviously they can choose not to believe you, as with everything … I do think that this kind of discussion would be less emotionally challenging though.

Which is not to say that I’m giving up on bodily autonomy, of course. I’m just saying I may have found an alternative for those situations where facts are needed. Hey, I need to arm myself …

P.S. I do reply to my comments, but it usually takes me a while!

Capitalism rewards the hard-working and punishes the lazy.

No. Capitalism rewards some of each because you do not have to work hard in order to be successful. Sure, it helps. But if you think about it in more detail, capitalism rewards lucky and/or intelligent people (both not something one can become on purpose) and punishes those who:

- are disabled
- are clumsy
- are not that smart
- were abused or neglected as a child
- are mentally ill
- have been misdiagnosed for years
- grew up poor
- had no access to good education as a child
- grew up in a different country
- are unattractive
- etc.

I don’t know why I bothered, seeing as the article was a little silly and naive anyway. But, I guess it was good for something since I just remembered what I’ve been meaning to say for ages:

People with low IQs  need some love, too. Seriously. No matter how much you hear about all other kinds of discrimination, apparently everyone thinks making fun of “stupid” people is okay. I disagree. I thought I was smart (and everybody told me so) until I developed chronic pain and my ability to concentrate dissolved into nothingness. Now I know that intelligence is relative. And in the meantime I have also met many wonderful people who appeared stupid and were really just mentally ill or grew up under the shittiest circumstances. I have learned some of my most important life lessons from someone who believes he is too stupid to learn English.

Most people don’t seem to realise that you can be very bad at expressing yourself and yet have intelligent thoughts. That intelligence shows differently in different people. That being less smart than others does NOT equal being mean, lazy or ignorant. That intelligent people can be ignorant, too.

Judging people on their apparent level of intelligence is no better than judging them on their appearance, as we have little control over both. Am I the only person on earth who thinks that way?! So far I have yet to meet a single one who gets this … but then again, maybe I just can’t express myself well enough. Ha ha.

Does a lion have the right to hunt? Yes? … Are you sure? Who decides? If you think about it, to say that a wild animal has a right to anything is ridiculous. If they hadn’t, they wouldn’t know nor care. The need for a “right” to hunt does not arise until humans constrain the lion, feel entitled to control it, and realise that it needs to hunt in order to survive – which they then generously permit. Or not.

A right has to be given … if I were the only person on earth, I’d have no rights because there would be no need for any. A right is a tiny hole in the giant net of restrictions placed upon anyone living in a civilised country. It is all a big joke. Here I am, fighting for my “rights” within a system that I don’t even want, in the absence of which those very rights would be meaningless. Social rights are, to me, only a temporary solution – a step in the right direction. What I really wish for is a world where the concept of granting someone access to the things that they need is laughable because access was never taken from them in the first place, and nobody has enough power to grant anyone anything.

I’m beginning to worry that people will start calling me insane anytime soon. To be honest, most of the things I have written on this blog lately surprised even me. They came from somewhere deep inside of me, from a part of my brain that I am not yet familiar with, although on the other hand it also seems more familiar and natural than anything else. It has always been there, but I lost sight of it for a decade or so around the time I became a teenager. As a small child, when I heard that men were expected to open doors for women but not the other way around, I could only think, “But that doesn’t make any sense.” It is amazing how much time and energy society invests in dumbing us down, stripping away that precious ability to look at the state of the world objectively and see the truth that is hiding in plain sight.

Ask any four-year-old if he or she thinks that all sick people deserve to be cured, or if they need to earn the right to it first. Go ahead and ask. But don’t be surprised if the four-year-old then thinks you’re scary for even asking.

The underlying principle behind my opinions on all of them is No Restriction & No Pressure. I believe that placing any additional restrictions on your child aside from the ones that are necessary to keep them safe will do more harm than good, and that pressure is the wrong way to motivate someone (surely you can see how this applies to HAES as well). I’m always a little worried that people must think I’m too young to know anything about that, but hey – I spent many years of my life being a child myself while my mom worked in daycare. I have not only learned from what she did right and wrong raising me, I also watched her raise three other children when I was already a teenager and I started to read her parenting magazines as soon as I could read, never mind that we talked about her work sometimes. Excuse me for thinking I have gathered some knowledge by now.

What it comes down to is that children are no more than little humans. Most of the things that we know about them will also apply to everyone else. HAES is, in a way, adults learning how to parent themselves … to explore their natural states of being instead of forcing themselves to become someone they aren’t. That’s how I believe we should treat our children, too.

How does all of this tie in with politics and economy now? It is quite simple, really: To have a state equals restriction and to have a market equals pressure. I am firmly convinced that both are useless and dangerous. Sure, there’s not going to be an alternative anytime soon unless the entire world population changes its collective mind very suddenly, but I’m not the kind of person who gives up on things just because they seem unrealistic for now. As long as I can’t change the world, I’ll stick to parenting and body acceptance.

… and blogging.

As I have mentioned here before, I spent almost a whole decade thinking my physical symptoms were all psychosomatic because that was what everyone kept telling me. Doctors soon decided that all I needed was psychotherapy, and thus I got to meet many shrinks, saw the inside of a psychosomatic clinic and a regular psych ward, was put on several anti-depressants that failed to help, and went to a therapy group for roughly five years. At one point I even ended up in a supervised home for “troubled” teenagers and young adults, which is where our story begins.

You see, they had this crazy system. Looking back at it now, I can only describe it as a bizarre mix of the Weight Watchers “points” system, a classic MMORPG and so-called “rating communities” on LiveJournal. If you happen to be familiar with all three, you should be able to see why the idea of combining them does NOT sound like something to try at home. Not that there’s anything wrong with MMORPGs, mind you, it’s just that … they’re not real.

What led to the system’s creation was that some of the people who used to live there before me were upset about the many rules and regulations that they had to follow although many seemed so unnecessary. For example, you were not allowed to bring your own computer or television just because some people might sometimes neglect their social lives if they have access to those. Never mind that other people might use a computer for great hobbies such as creative writing or web design, and even watching tv or – shock and horror – playing video games can have benefits depending on the situation.

However, the people who worked in that place – I’ll call them “supervisors” since I am not sure which English term fits best – knew that if they allowed 7 out of 9 inhabitants to do something which the remaining two could not be trusted with, hell would break loose. So they formed a discussion group with the kids who had brought up the issue and together they conjured up a … great big real life role-playing game made of utter fail. I understand that they meant well, but as far as I’m concerned they could have just as well written the ultimate manual on how to delude unsuspecting victims into thinking they are being treated equally when they clearly aren’t.

Here’s how it worked: If the supervisors thought you were suddenly better at, say, handling money than two months ago, you moved up a rank on the “money” scale. If your social skills seemed to have improved, you moved up a rank on the “social” scale. There were several other categories beside these and the highest rank for each was 6. Now, certain combinations such as 4 “money” + 5 “social” or even 4 “hygiene” + 3 “social” + 5 “money” + 4 “school/work” would grant you access to extra privileges. (Getting your own computer was a giant chain of fours, fives and sixes that was nigh impossible for any average person to achieve, by the way. They didn’t tell me that when I moved in, so I practically had to relearn HTML, CSS and how to use Photoshop from scratch after more than a year of being unable to practise. Some of the things I forgot during that time seem to be lost forever. Yes, I’m still mad. *fumes*)

You may be wondering why they didn’t just assess everyone’s capabilities on an individual basis, but I guess they didn’t want to deal with being constantly told that they were treating someone unfairly. Once the system was in place, they could simply tell you that of course you could have a tv, you’d just have to meet the requirements first like everybody else!! Ah, the joys of equality.

One of the system’s major flaws was that in order to prevent recollection bias and huge differences between one supervisor’s assessment and another’s, they were given a “helpful” chart in which they could note down, daily, what everyone was doing. This happened in the form of points. Instead of having to actually talk to us and use their brains, they could look at a predefined list of activities which they deemed likely to indicate competence in one of their categories, and mark the ones that they had seen us do. Brilliant, just brilliant. In essence, if you forgot to mention that you had exercised, you didn’t get any exercise points. Obviously you could also easily fake having exercised, but I don’t even want to go into that. The mere thought hurts.

Aside from the technical inefficacy, there were at least two other aspects of the chart that I found deeply troubling: One, it didn’t take each individual’s motivation for doing said activities into account. What if someone was in the process of developing an eating disorder accompanied by compulsive exercising? What if someone desperately hated exercise and only did it for the points? (Mind you, I am only using exercise as an example because I don’t remember many of the other activities on the list or why they were on it.)

Two, how on earth are people supposed to learn that something is good for them if you present it to them like a tool to get a computer?? They’ll move out and never do it again. Good job.

I mean, all of the abilities that they were trying to teach us were useful. Being able to handle money is useful. Being able to make friends is useful. Taking showers on a regular basis and washing your clothes is, at the very least, recommended. But shouldn’t they have asked us what made those things hard to do and, depending on the answer, either explained the benefits to us or helped us practise? Instead they were like, “Do this and we’ll give you a reward.” Lessons learned: This ability has no merits of its own, so I’ll pretend to be interested as long as I’m here and forget about it as soon as possible once I can.

Me, I was different anyway. I never had to do anything to reach rank 5 or 6 in both “money” and “hygiene” almost immediately – but I couldn’t get past 3 or 4 in “health”, “social” and “work” no matter how hard I tried. And believe me, I did try – not because I believed in their stupid system, but simply because I actually wanted to get better for no other reason than that it would have been nice. Unfortunately I had little to no interest in the rewards I got for just being myself, and I could only roll my eyes whenever I received yet another one. No, thanks, I didn’t want to stay out past curfew! What I wanted was my computer, which I needed for my hobbies. But since I didn’t have many friends and couldn’t go to work everyday due to my illness, I was doomed to infinite boredom. None of this helped me get better at all, which if you’ll remember was the whole POINT.

Then, of course, you have to consider that one can be perfectly healthy and still not excel in any of those categories. In fact I would go so far as to say that not everyone needs all of the abilities mentioned above. A disabled person doesn’t need to keep up a job. A person who is happy working in a simple profession does not need a social network to build a career (I despise the notion of using “connections” this way in the first place). A hermit doesn’t need to be good with money. Are all of those people insane? Do they need to be fixed? You can’t help anyone by telling them what they’re supposed to need and want. That awful place allowed for no individuality whatsoever.

If anyone’s still reading, thank you. Now, what’s the morale of the story? Treating everyone the same does not create equality, I suppose. I just wanted to get this out.

Bonus story (this time, a short one): Back when I was taking piano lessons, I enjoyed them a lot at first and looked forward to them every week. However, one day I couldn’t go because I wasn’t feeling well. My mother thought I was just being lazy and got angry with me because she was the one paying the fee. The same thing happened again a while later and eventually I started to dread Fridays out of fear I might feel unwell again. Then I started to associate piano lessons with that feeling. I stopped enjoying them. I still liked playing, but not necessarily on Fridays. The hobby I had taken up out of my own accord had been turned into a job that needed to be done each week no matter if I wanted to or not. Pressure reduces fun. I never became a true musician and the sad part is, I have a feeling that many people never get their dream jobs for exactly the same reason. Who knows how many brilliant inventions we’ve missed this way?

I became interested in libertarianism as soon as it started to come up on the fatosphere feed. The general concept sounded good to me – freedom of choice for everyone, little to no government supervision et cetera. However, as I started to read more and more essays by self-proclaimed libertarians (note that I was unaware of there being a difference between American and European definitions of libertarianism at the time), I got the same sinking feeling that I get whenever I pick up a magazine or newspaper: Once again I did NOT appear to be part of the target audience. What do I care about a free market when I can’t work and have never had money of my own? How exactly am I supposed to make any choices if the only opportunity I am given is to survive on what little people like me are “generously” supplied with by either the state or a charity?

I will always be a sick person first, the daughter of a poor single mother second, and only then does Fat Acceptance come in. I am not looking at this from the same perspective as your average fat rights activist, especially since I didn’t grow up as a fat child. I only grew up poor and sick. Googling “libertarianism and disability” I actually found out that here in Europe, the general consensus seems to be that true libertarians must oppose capitalism. How exactly that got twisted around to be almost the opposite in America, I don’t know. This blog came up as one of the first search results, which I found quite amazing because I happen to agree with nearly every single word in that post.

The thing is this, I am tired. Tired of feeling worthless because I never had a chance to finish school. Tired of feeling irresponsible just because I dare to continue existing. Tired of never being part of the target audience.

I propose that we stop providing services only to those who can afford it based on a ridiculous definition of “productivity”. If I were living in America, I would be unable to afford healthcare because I’m sick, which I’m sure you’ll agree makes no sense whatsoever. I would have to be healthy in order to make money, but in order to become healthier I’d need to have money already. Whoever came up with this nonsense needs to be taught a thing or two on logic.

I have decided to officially identify as anarchist now, but I don’t care what you call yourselves – if you agree that capitalism causes harm, I’m on your side.

There are so many wonderful things that we could be doing RIGHT NOW to help each other out, improve our own quality of life, find cures for diseases and solutions for technical problems, reduce stress among the population, prevent crime, save the environment and end world hunger. We have the technology, the knowledge, the resources, the brilliant minds, the people who would be willing to work on those problems, we have everything that is necessary to make this world a better place. So why aren’t we acting already? Because the resources, technology, knowledge and time are only available to those who can pay.

I bet if there is extraterrestrial life somewhere out there, they are laughing at our stupidity right this minute. Even I, sick as I am, would surely find a way to contribute to someone else’s well-being if only I were given the opportunity, but instead I am forced to sit around and do nothing because the financial support I receive from my country helps me survive and not much else.

I don’t get how some people can NOT see this. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. But we exist and we’re not going away anytime soon. I refuse to accept that people like me deserve no better options.

This is probably not the most eloquent post I have ever written, but … oh well. It’s better than staying quiet.

I hereby inform you that I am no longer a mere Thin Ally. From now on you can consider me to be, for all intents and purposes, Officially Fat. What does “official” mean, you may ask, since we all know that BMI = bullshit (and I don’t even own a scale)? Well, I went clothes shopping a while ago and discovered that I could suddenly extend my search to include the plus-size department.

There you have it, fat is contageous after all.

Jokes aside, I suspect that either my meds are at fault or it’s the fact that I’ve been feeling good enough to actually eat on a regular basis for a few weeks now. Both are good things and so far the weight gain hasn’t had any negative effects on my life, either, so it doesn’t really bother me. However, I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me at all.

I feel like anything I have to say about food and weight doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t even look all that different than before and yet I suddenly expect people to look at me and think, “Oh, she’s just making excuses.” It is ridiculous. I am reminded of volcanista’s guest post at Shapely Prose:

It makes me angry (at the world, not FJ) that because I’m not one of those fat fat fatties, I can bring some cred to this whole FA thing: look, a skinny girl who cares about fat people!! hey, what was this post about, again? Yeah, I have automatic credibility on the subject of fat prejudice, despite never having experienced it firsthand, while actual fat people are just wrong/deluded/lying. THAT makes sense.

That “automatic credibility” was just taken from me. Awesome. Just because I’m a little bit healthier than before.